why i feel like shit

somewhere in the past 6 years i started forming real feelings for T. it may have been in between bouts with S. it may have started this year after his surgery. i'm not sure when it happened but it did. but i've come to learn that we have been through way too many "things" in the past 6 years that when he's not around, i miss him terribly. when he's angry with me, it hurts even worse. i find myself in a mixture of the two. he's not around because i've angered him. whether his anger is valid or not, my heart still aches. i cry. i am sad. i just want to sleep. thinking "this is it" sends me into despair.

i've known for some time T is bad for me, but he's always been the go-to guy. every time S broke my heart, T was there to put it back together. when i feel anxious, T is the first person i call. when the bars down the street are too loud, he offers me a place in his bed.

so you take away my "stability" and i'm lost.

i'm not sure if T and i will ever speak again and even if we do, he's never going to say what i want him to say, or do what i want him to do. i guess it is better to do this now. it doesn't make the pain any less.

drama.