not low class, no class

so i have been lying to you all, but worst of all i have been lying to myself.
i probably told you i stopped seeing Tony (yes i'm writing his name out now because he deserves it). i didn't. in fact, i have been doing the very opposite. i was seeing him at least 3 - 4 times a week. never out in the daylight and never with anyone else around. just how he wanted and planned i imagine. i used to think tony cared for me. i don't anymore.

today i found out that tony has been seeing/sleeping/dating/whatever the fuck you want to call it with someone else. so those long blonde hairs i'd find in his bed or on his clothes, probably weren't from dupree the golden he was taking care of. when he wouldn't let me scroll through his camera, it was probably because there were photos he didn't want me to see. those tampons in his bathroom - also not from the roommate years ago. all the times he'd look at his phone while i was over...probably conversing with her. i wanted so badly to trust him. i looked away when i got suspicious. i never asked any questions. but if i'm honest with myself, i was suspicious often. there is no relief in knowing that yes, in fact, he was seeing someone else. i know its cliche of a woman scorned, but i feel like it was all a lie. i don't trust anything he ever said or did. six years of lies.

the first time i found steven cheating on me, i was heartbroken and a feeling formed in the pit of my stomach that would never go away. it makes me second guess everything and to this day it is with me. it was with me the second time i found him cheating on me. it is with me today.

i am sure tony will tell you i am crazy and there is nothing for me to be upset about. afterall, he and i were never in a relationship. nothing was ever said. but i think all that time we spent together and all the things we shared meant something. they did to me. and maybe that is what is most upsetting. they DID mean something to me. and now i believe they didn't for him.

i want to scream. but there is nothing to say. i want to cry but there are no more tears. i can't anymore.

when jocelyn pulled her shit on me, it was like someone tore out my heart.
when steven pulled his shit on me, it was like someone tore out my heart.
now tony pulls his shit on me, and there is nothing left to take.

i just want to sleep.