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Breakup blues: Hi Carolyn. Not a unique question here, but more just hoping that you might have some words of encouragement. I am 3 months post-breakup with my BF of over a year. He cheated on me and left me for someone else. This after he said he knew how much it hurt to be cheated on (his ex-wife cheated on him) and wouldn't do it to someone else. When he found out his ex-wife was getting remarried, he flipped out on me and got together with some woman at work (before breaking up with me!). I would have thought that his heinous and selfish behavior would have helped me slam the door shut and be glad I was free of him - indeed, my friends are glad I am free of him. Instead, I am obsessed with images of him being happily coupled with the office hooch he left me for, while I am in the proverbial fetal position mourning his betrayal. Any thoughts that might help me regain perspective?

Carolyn Hax: I can see the temptation to blast yourself with "He's scum and he didn't deserve me!" propaganda, and I can see why your friends are trying to do it for you. I use the same tactic sometimes in the column, and sometimes it does actually apply.

But I'm not sure it does here, and that might be why it's not working. Is what he did, technically, a betrayal? Of course. It also exposed the emptiness of his promise, and made you feel like a fool for believing him, and all the other fun stuff that comes with getting dumped.

But I think the real lie exposed here isn't the one he told you. I think it's the lie that any of us can be, or that the world can be, as black-and-white as such promises suggest. The words, "I'll never cheat on you," do not a guarantee make. As far as a shield against pain, it is absolutely, flat-out meaningless. I actually believe (from what little you wrote here) that -he- probably believed what he told you. But he also had not the slightest idea what he'd do if someone (say, his cheatin' ex) poured his emotional foundation in a box and shook it really hard--for a second time. (more)

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Carolyn Hax: So, what you're processing right now isn't just that someone you counted on can hurt you in the one way you thought he wouldn't. You're processing the full force of the saying, "Anything can happen." Because, honestly, anything -can- happen. A faith in other people can't be what gets you out of bed in the morning, or else you're in for a terrible letdown. A faith in yourself that you can handle whatever happens--that is something that really can sustain you. So use this smack in the face to develop some of this kind of resourcefulness. Stand up, brush yourself off, wish this guy--who clearly has emotional crap of his own--some genuine happiness, and start concentrating on the things that will help you carry on.

By the way, this isn't as cynical as it sounds. Most people do mean well, and do actually try to do right by other people. But even then, it doesn't always work out perfectly, which brings you back to the thing you have to be able to count on: You.