consequences

on saturday, around 9:30pm, Tony text messaged me - something like "what you been up to?" i hadn't seen, talked, or text the dude for weeks. he does this to me all the time. he claims he's super busy at work and can't communicate at all. at first, i'll go through an "i miss him so much" phase where i think about him non-stop. i'll want to communicate with him. i have an overwhelming urge to see him. but like everything, the feeling fades with time.

more time will pass and i'll get angry. i have put up with this behavior for 6 years. SIX FUCKING YEARS. i deserve better than his brand of selfish friend. even my best friends don't disappear like that on me. and if i don't physically see them, i know where i can reach them. i am loyal to my friends because they have all been loyal to me. they've also been supportive. they don't walk away from me for weeks without flinching or letting me know. this is why they are friends. if i thought i was being unreasonable with my feelings, i'd re-evaluate and try to see his side, but i think this makes perfect sense.

so when he called me twice on sunday and then text me, I sent him this:

"don't think we should communicate anymore. we've been halfway there for weeks. i can't be a fairweather friend. please don't respond. don't want to fight. it's been jam up. wish you all the best. see ya"

i did actually call him first to tell him this because telling someone you don't want to be friends anymore deserves an actual conversation, but of course, he didn't answer and i needed to get my feelings out immediately. i have been bottling them up for far too long. i hope this really is the end. i need this to be the end, but i keep expecting some nasty reply back.

if you ask me how i'm doing i will tell you i'm okay but its because i've already gotten used to him NOT being there. but if i really think about it, i'm sad. not because he was such a fantastic friend and i'll miss the friendship (he had his moments, but for the most part, he wasn't the greatest friend), but because he HAS been around for SIX years. i'm sure, this feeling, like everything else, will fade with time.

and since time is all i've got. i'll wait for it..........................................