i had a nightmare that my mother's cancer had reached the terminal stage and that she was in the hospital waiting to die.
despite my mother's situation, i've never really thought about dying. death doesn't freak me out as much as it did years ago - but thats mostly because i don't choose to think about it.
maybe because its father's day soon (my mom was always both to me), my subconscious decided to go there - but man is it scary to think about the day when Mango is no longer around.
i might get annoyed every now and then when she calls me and i'm too tired to answer the phone - but i do talk to her everyday. she's my home. no matter what happens during my day, she is my five minutes of calm. she doesn't have to be near me for me to feel safe. i'm trying to find the words to express how much she means to me and i can't. suffice it to say i love her more than i'll ever be able to express.
this nighmare i had, it persisted. i woke up crying and i laid there crying for a minute before i went back to sleep where the nightmare continued. i woke up crying again. this time i called my mom. she didn't pick up, but the fact that i was able to call and know she's still "there" was enough. but i think i'll call again.
Happy Father's Day, Mango.
I love you
x
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