knowing me, knowing you

i was just chatting with papa R and i said something so concisely that i figured i should blog about it now since i haven't been able to find the words in the past.

i have been missing tony for a long time. he and i stopped talking in august.
it's been hard on me, but i think it was for the best. he and i were never going to be what i wanted us to be and he was fine with taking advantage of my soft spot for him. hmm.... that sounds familiar. but it has been extremely hard on me. between february and august our friendship surpassed anything physical i had with him. he became one of my best friends, so when he decided to cut me out, i was, for the most part, heartbroken.

whether its jocelyn or tony or steven or cathy or whoever. when a friendship ends, it hurts bad.
which is usually why i can't ever let them go.
i still think about jocelyn. and tony. and steven. and yes, even cathy.
you spend so much time with someone and then one day you're just supposed to assume they've disappeared off the face of the earth? i don't understand how people do this. and yes, some of the people i've listed have hurt me. actually most of them hurt me. a lot. but i still remember them. think about them. have a burning need to know how they are.

i know i am worse than most people though because i actually reach out when i shouldn't.
i get myself all worked up over people that i have to reach out. i somehow rationalize that if i reach out, i can let out of a sigh of relief. panic attack over. but it never happens. i am just wound up that much more tightly. waiting for them to respond.

i wrote tony today. even though i know i shouldn't have. i don't expect him to write back or call back. he and i ended months ago. it is just the way he is. there is some sense of relief for me. i have been bottling up my feelings for so long. i've been wanting to "reach out and touch someone" for ages. and now that i have. i feel a bit better. but it didn't stop me from crying. it doesn't stop me now.