okay, here it is

i'm just going to say it.
i'm going to say the thing you should not say.
i'm going to say it because its how i feel and i don't want anyone telling me not to feel that way or feel sorry for me or pity me or whatever.
i really honestly feel like the demise of my last 2 psuedo boyfriend/dates/relationships/whateverthehellyouwanttocallit was in part due to my weight gain/problem. in fact, i know it was part of what went down with tony. i'm looking at some recent pictures and i am not happy at all. i have been beating myself up about this for awhile now. it feels good to let it out.
i went to the gym tonight. no, i don't think that one night is going to help me any, but if i'm consistent - like i used to be - and if i eat like i used to...maybe...MAYBE i can work my way back. now i realize that life isn't all about male attention, but i am SICK of feeling ugly. i don't go out anymore because i am no longer cute. i am older now, i've put on a lot of weight, things that used to be tight are jiggly. i can't tell you the last dude that paid attention to my fatass, but i remember a time when they did and yes, it felt really good. don't we all like that attention? so until i can get back to that place, i need to keep myself indoors and/or working out.
REMEMBER - i don't want any comments on this. i'm just thinking out loud.