Game Over.

Text exchange over the weekend with Tony:

Tony, 10:24pm:  What are you doing!?
Carolina: What are you doing? I am actually about to go to bed. Overdid it yesterday (clearly). Have fun whatever you're doing
Tony: Let's hang! What are you doing?
Carolina: Calling you. No answer. Sooo yeah... Goodnight!
Tony: Can't answer. Let's hang party pooper
Carolina: Now? Where? When? What?!
Tony: In 1 to 2 hours. Party pooper.
Carolina: So this is a scheduled booty call?
Tony: Nevermind party pooper
Carolina: Don't do that. You wouldn't like it if I asked you to hang out at 1 or 2 in the morning. I am super upset with you now. When will you learn? I'm done.
Tony: No worries : )

ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL? NO. DONE. DON'T CALL ME. DON'T TEXT ME. JUST DON'T.
I AM FUCKING OVER THIS BULLSHIT.
Game over.

Fuck You!

This song and video are FUCKING amazing!

Happy - I think.

Last night I went to watch Eat, Pray, Love with 1201am. If you haven't read the book, I encourage you to read it and then watch the movie. The books are always better than the movie, but the movie was pretty fantastic. Javier Bardem was especially good....on the eyes. I'm playing. This isn't your ordinary chic flick. I cried - several times. Many of the situations Elizabeth Gilbert, the writer and protagonist, finds herself in are entirely too relatable.

On my way home I called Tony to see if he was free to hang out (I was at Phipps and he lives close-ish). He didn't answer. I left a message. On the drive home I thought about how wonderful my life is - I have all that I could need, my friends are wonderful, my family is healthy and happy. At one point in the movie, Elizabeth proclaims at Thanksgiving dinner that she is the luckiest girl in the world. I am familiar with the feeling.

As I was getting ready for bed, my heart was filled with so much joy it was impossible not to cry. So I did. Dudes won't get this. I am hoping my girlfriends do. I was just at a loss as to how to express my joy so I cried. It was a good cry.

Tony called me as I was crying. We did eventually get together and we had a spectacular night laughing and joking around and cleaning the house (don't ask). It was like icing on the cake.

It is rare for me to feel content for longer than a couple of hours. My anxiety or depression usually gets the better of me. It did for a couple of hours today, but for the most part, I think I am still happy and I am definitely still grateful for my blessings.

People have asked me if I am in a relationship with Tony. I can't answer that right now. He makes me happy, so for now, thats going to have to be a good enough answer for inquiring minds.

I love the Italians!

Last night I made an Italian dinner for Sasha's birthday.
I started with a caprese... all you need is a GOOD tomato like an heirloom, some fresh mozzarella (in bigger ball, so that when you slice it fits well on the sliced tomato), some fresh basil and some good balsamic vinegar.
The tomato is on the bottom, then the basil leaves (one or two will do), then the mozzarella (don't worry about making perfect circles). Wait until you are sat down eating before you drizzle on the balsamic vinegar.

It was delicious. You may also want to put out some salt and pepper. Just in case.

The main course was a modified baked ziti recipe I picked up from KraftFoods.com:

1 pkg. (16 oz.) ziti pasta

1 jar  (26 oz.) spaghetti sauce (use whatever sauce you want, the more flavor, the better!)

1 container (15 oz.) Ricotta Cheese (I couldn't find 15 oz of ricotta cheese, so I went with a 16 oz)

1 pkg.  (8 oz.) Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

1/4 cup Grated Parmesan Cheese
*** I added cooked ground turkey seasoned with garlic salt and Italian seasoning for protein***

PREHEAT oven to 350°F. Cook pasta as directed on package. Drain pasta, reserving 1/2 cup of the pasta cooking water (if your jar of sauce is bigger than 26 oz, which mine was, don't worry too much about the pasta water. I don't know that I used any)
MIX spaghetti sauce, ricotta cheese and reserved 1/2 cup pasta cooking water in large bowl. Add pasta and 1/2 cup of the mozzarella cheese; mix lightly. Spoon into 13x9-inch baking dish sprayed with cooking spray; sprinkle with remaining mozzarella cheese and the Parmesan cheese. Cover.
BAKE 30 min.; uncover. Bake an additional 10 min. or until heated through.

SUPER UPSET

I have been upset since about 11 this morning. I hate getting upset at work. Looking like you've been crying when you work with a bunch of guys is the worst.

Basically, my mom and my sister are arguing over the appropriate amount of time my mom can spend with my nephew now that my sister and my nephew live in a home of their own. Or something like that. I've heard 3 or 4 versions of this story from various members of my family and to be honest, my heart is really heavy now, I'm tired and I have a headache.

This morning I got a few emails from my sister that didn't initially fire me up. In fact, I sympathized with my mom and her empty nest syndrome, but the emails from my sister got more specific and soon I started to worry that my mom was being a little overbearing. So I called and called and called. She didn't pick up. I called about 9 times. She finally called me back while I was getting my oil changed and we talked about it. Well, she talked about her version of the story and wouldn't let me talk. She's upset. My sister is upset. My nephew is probably confused and now I'm just exhausted from trying to decipher two different stories. I don't know who to believe and I'm super concerned about my love (my nephew). Between calls 7 and 8 to my mom, I called my dad because I was getting anxious. He didn't answer, but did call me back during my exhausting 30-minute call with my mom. By the time I called him back I felt like I'd been to a battle and lost - BIG TIME. I lost my composure. I don't even know how he managed to understand anything I said but he calmed me down and now all I have is a headache.

My dad has never been especially helpful, in fact, most of my life he has been the opposite, so the fact that he was able to help me out in this instance, really meant a lot.

Thanks, dude.

Mantra

Jae Yong thinks it's "I've got hoes in different area codes", but its really:

Tony

Alright, this is for those of you that I haven't told or those of you who I'm afraid to tell because of backlash (I know it comes from a good place but I hate being judged or being told I'm foolish).

I have been "seeing" Tony again. I've gotten questions like "Has he apologized?", "Has he changed?", "What's different this time???"

I know I've taken you all down this road with me several times over the past 7-8 years. Every time it ends abruptly. Each time it hurts me. Trust me, it hurts me more each time it happens than it bothers you to watch me go through it. This last time was the longest period of time I hadn't talked to him - nearly 3 years. You all know I missed him. Up until he quit talking to me suddenly, he was one of my very best friends. I was really hurt for 3 years, but I dealt with it. With your help. But I missed my friend. Every day.

So now he's apologized for what he did to me in the past. I could make him keep apologizing, but what does that accomplish? Has he changed? Yes. None of us are getting any younger and as we grow more mature we realize the things we could have and should have done differently. We apologize to the people we've hurt. We communicate how we've changed. Tony and I have covered this ground. Does it assure me he won't hurt me again? No. But then... who ever gets that guarantee?

By communicating and building our friendship, we move forward and choose not to dwell in the past. I am so happy to have my friend back. I look forward to our conversations, our inside jokes, our friendship growing and all I can hope is that he feels the same way. I'm sure we'll have some unnecessary talk about it soon.

Missed Call

I have a pretty overactive imagination.
Yesterday while I was cleaning my patio and watering my plants, I got a missed call from the Door. This would be a call from one of two callboxes around the building. I get super excited when someone calls me from the Door especially when it's unexpected. Since I was outside, I didn't hear it and you can't call the callbox and ask who called. So maybe it was a mistake. Maybe it was someone intending to visit me. I like to think so. A mystery man! :) Told you I have an overactive imagination.

Sleep To Dream

Where did she go? Loved her.

FREEDOM!

Recently, an office prowler hit our office and stole a laptop from one of the back offices. They didn't steal any of our equipment because the 2 back offices are being rented out by some friends of my boss.  I guess they worked from home and found that difficult, so their companies agreed to pay rent to my boss so that they would have a proper office.

Since the prowler hit, we've been required to take our laptops home (everyone has one) at the end of the day. Before the prowler hit, I'd just leave the laptop in my desk drawer (unlocked, because I have no idea where the key is). Now we're all being extra careful - which I understand, but it drives me up the wall because we also lock the front door now, so every time you have to go to the bathroom, you have to bring your keys. Such a pain in the ass.

Anyway, I have been lugging around my laptop each day in this ugly backpack that clashes with all of my outfits and today I said no more. I asked for a desktop. It's so beautiful. The two big screens, the speed. LOVE IT.

When I work from home, I use my Mac. Meh. I hate Dell laptops.

I am about to piss all of you off

I don't have children and I'm pretty sure I don't want any either. The right man may come along and change my mind on the matter, but for the time being, I don't want one.

99% of my friends have a child. Or are expecting a child. Or want a child. I think this is great news for you guys. I am truly happy this makes you so happy. I love your kids. They are so cute and I love that you share your blessings with me. I love spending time with them and holding them and getting cuddles. My not wanting a child has nothing to do with how much I love yours.

Here's the problem: When I met you, you were single. Then you met the love of your life and I adjusted. You bought a house. If it is far, I go the distance because I love you. I visit. I make time. I do all this because I want to and because I love you. When you and your love have a baby, I adjust.

I feel like new parents forget their single friends and forget all the changes single friends make so they can keep friendships strong. I realize newlyweds and new parents adjust to huge changes of their own (obviously), but it would just be nice to know we, the singles, are still important to you. One of the best ways to show us this is to refrain from parenting talk. I wouldn't know the first thing about kids and their needs, and I don't mind talking about it, but if this is all we can talk about, I just wonder where our friendship went.

Anyway.