Lies

I have been trying to write this blog post for awhile now. I just didn't know how it would start or end. Now I know. Maybe I also didn't want to open myself up to judgement. Then I realized this is my blog. My musings on my life. Read it or don't.

Since mid-December 2009 I have been in a physical relationship with someone any ethical person would consider off limits. As in married. Yesterday, I ended it. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have had he not said to me what he did yesterday. I wish I had saved the conversation so that I could cut and paste it here. So you could see for yourself how cold someone can be. I have honestly never been spoken to in that way. I start crying when I think of it.

When we entered into our "relationship" he asked me if he needed to worry about me getting hurt. I told him no. This is where I went wrong because I have never been able to separate my emotions from physical attraction. I don't think anyone can. I take that back. He can. He's the only one I know. Yesterday I alluded to an emotional reaction I had to something he said to me and it snowballed completely out of control. It very quickly went from me saying "I feel this way about this thing you said to me" to him basically saying "You are fun, but after I fuck you, I don't think about you". He has his life and I am.... I don't know. Nothing. This kills me because as big of a deal he made about me getting "emotional" and him not being that way, he said and did all the right things when we weren't in bed together. He pursued me and when I showed interest, I became the nut job.

I know that I was a willing participant. This was wrong of me to do, but it doesn't mean he should feel like he did nothing wrong, like he didn't profoundly hurt me, like he can be so callous.


Further than what I've said, I don't want to talk about this. When I'm ready I will, but for now I really don't have the words.
I'm struggling with my feelings. I hate myself for what I did. Hate myself for my stupidity. I am extremely hurt by what he said to me yesterday. I have been crying and sleeping. I wake up and want to pretend like it was all a dream. But it wasn't.

I would tell you not to judge me, but my guess is you already have.
I don't care. You are free to think of me what you want. It's not anything I haven't already thought of myself.