the greatest depression

i can already tell this is going to be a tough one to write. it may even be a tough one to understand. but try. and please don't pass judgement. i just need ears, not lip.

i have been suicidal a handful of times in my life. mostly during college. some the years after graduation. since you can't have suicidal tendencies without first being depressed, i know i must have been pretty depressed to get into that situation.

i am not suicidal now because i value my life and know its not mine to take but i will say that i've never been as depressed as i am now. never.

i don't eat, i can't sleep, i can't stay in control.
i wonder and i worry about things that are ENTIRELY out of my control to the point of panic.
heart racing. sweating. can't take it anymore.
i panic easily. my anxiety gets the better of me.
i want to cry all the time.
i have no motivation.
i can't concentrate.
i want to sleep all day.
i feel ugly. I feel alone.
i'm afraid i'll be ugly and alone for the rest of my life.
i feel like no one wants to be near me. so i don't go out.
i don't think i'll ever be attractive to anyone again.
i feel like i already gave everything i had to a couple of relationships, what more is there to give?
i hate that male attention can give me such highs and lows.
how much better of a person can i be? how much longer do i have to work at this? when is it going to be my time to shine?

i'm worried that when i see my psychiatrist tomorrow he's going to tell me i need to be institutionalized.

you say potatoe

sorry. i have a million potatoes and i don't have a printer to print out this recipe.

Ingredients

• 2 pounds small Yukon gold potatoes
• 2 large eggs
• Kosher salt
• 1/2 bunch sliced scallions, white and green parts
• 2 tablespoons drained capers
• 2 cups mayonnaise
• 1/4 cup Dijon mustard
• 1/4 cup finely chopped dill pickles with 1/4 cup juice, about 2 pickles
• 1/2 small red onion, chopped
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
• 1/2 bunch dill, chopped
• 1/2 lemon, juiced
• Freshly ground black pepper
• Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling

Directions

Put the potatoes and eggs into a big saucepan of cold salted water. Bring to a simmer. After 12 minutes remove the eggs with a slotted spoon and let cool. Continue cooking the potatoes until a paring knife poked into them goes in without resistance, about 3 minutes longer. Drain the potatoes in a colander and let them cool.

Reserve some scallion greens and capers for garnish. Meanwhile, stir together the mayonnaise, mustard, pickles and their juice, onion, remaining scallions and capers, parsley, and lemon juice in a bowl large enough to hold the potatoes. Peel the cool eggs and grate them into the bowl. Stick a fork into the potatoes and lift them 1 at a time out of the colander. Break up the potatoes by hand into rough chunks, add them to the bowl and toss to coat with the dressing. Season, to taste, with salt and pepper. Drizzle with a little olive oil before serving.

yo dude

you want to know what to wear this spring.
here: http://popscene.vox.com/

paging Dr. Suholet

i just made an appointment with my psychiatrist.

here we go again.

FLIP burger boutique

i went to FLIP last night with A. actually, i met A there after hellacious traffic. seriously, for awhile there i was moving a block every fifteen minutes. anyway, when i got there, A was sitting at the bar enjoying a beer.

so in case you haven't read or IMed with me lately, I am depressed. severely depressed. in fact, i'm so depressed i tried to cancel dinner with A. he wouldn't let me. so i went. i'll be honest, i didn't want to go, but now i'm glad i did.

so when i got there the place was busy but not packed. A and i were enjoying drinks when Dallas Austin comes in. I'm sure I'm getting a couple of "who's that?"s right now.

Dallas Austin is Atlanta's music man. He has worked with Janet Jackson and Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. He's a big shot. Apparently. Celebrity has never impressed me, so when he saddled up to the seats next to us at the bar, I didn't really think much of it. A on the other hand wanted to sing "Tightrope" (Kim's "song") to him. I told him I would die if he did. I could tell he wanted to bust out with "there's a tight...rope...between me...and you!" but he didn't. Thanks, dude.

The "celebrity" sightings didn't end there though. FLIP was created by Richard Blais, who was on Bravo's Top Chef. He didn't win, but apparently he's been in Atlanta cooking up magic for years. Eh.

I will say the FLIP burger I had was AMAZING. I was told to order a milkshake, but I wasn't hungry to begin with. I'll get one next time. 

slacker mcslackerson

hey! i'm back.
i have been debbie downer lately.
i would like to blame it on the weather, but you know its never as simple as that.
i have been trying to rally myself out of it, but i have lost motivation to do the simplest of things. i am a disaster lately. i talked it out with J yesterday - i am getting better.

yesterday i cried my eyes out while i was sitting here "working". i want to say that is rare, but lately, it hasn't been.

i think i might need to go back to my psychiatrist. i'm thinking i need to go back to taking an anti-depressant. i hate that about myself. i really do. but i think it may be the only thing that makes me better.

anyway.

thanks rojo

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2008.

7. Make time to practice meditation and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured IN plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds, & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk, and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, OR issues of the past, negative thoughts, or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class, but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

26. Forgive everyone for everything.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.

35. Do the right thing!

36. Call your family often. (Or e-mail them to death!)

37. Each night before you go to bed, complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life, so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

40. Share this with those you care about. I just did. May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more, May nothing but happiness come through your door!

i've said too much already.

i really must remember to be mindful who i say things to. who i confide in.
this post is going to be extremely vague. i mean it to be.
be careful who you confide in. tell your fears to. be sure that they care for you. otherwise you risk hurting yourself.
that is all.

white chicken chili

i'm watching the golden globes tonight. they just announced the nominees for best mini-series. puff daddy's a raisin in the sun was a nominee. i watched it. it wasn't bad. is it bad that i wanted him to lose and make a scene? i mean he did lose, but he didn't make a scene. damn.

jesus. heath ledger just won best supporting actor. now don't get me wrong, he was great in the dark knight but the other actors in the category (sans tom cruise) were better nominees. especially phillip seymour hoffman. guh whatever. i'll go ahead and say it. they gave it to him because he's dead. please. you know you were thinking it too.

yesterday i got up at 10:00ish and went over to the midtown gym to meet mama C for a bodyworks class. these classes usually kick my ass and yesterday was no exception. let's put it this way. it hurts to sit on the toilet. after the gym, mama C and i went to phidippedes (i always get the spelling wrong, 'scuse) for new trainers (as mama C calls them) aka running shoes. i've been needing a good pair. glad i finally got them. they are ugly though. not as ugly as mama C's new ones ;).... the thing about phiddippides (or however you spell it) is they fit you in the best shoe for your foot with no regard to the aesthetic. you don't go into a running store for running shoes and expect high fashion. and my new trainers are certainly no exception.

afterwards, we went to Picadilly for lunch. I'd never been and have been passing Picadillys for years (seven). It's cafeteria style. It made both of us laugh. It wasn't bad but I don't think I'll go back until she and I are both blue hairs. Then it was off to Ansley Eye Care (love those guys) to order my contacts and almost order blue Marc Jacobs or were they Hugo Boss glasses? Since I didn't need them, I didn't order them, but I will be back. We parted at Ansley to go home, shower and get ready for our day at the movies. The day before we'd agreed to do a double feature. We planned it just right. We'd see Gran Torino (my pick) and then buy a snack at half time and head into Bride Wars (mama C's pick). 

Gran Torino was awesome. Similar to Slumdog Millionaire, you really need to watch it. I cried almost the entire second half. It is wonderful. If you've never been an Eastwood fan, it doesn't matter. You will be after this movie. Such a great actor. He's not a wordy actor, but the emotion he can carry in his face is amazing. 

Okay, so Bride Wars isn't Oscar-worthy and nobody in that movie is getting a Golden Globe, BUT it was entertaining. It was also "free"...hahaha! I haven't done the "double feature" i.e. sneak into the second movie in a looooong time. Fun though. Lots of fun. Afterwards we sat around the homestead and drank wine then went to Harry and Son's for dinner and drinks.

Damn I am realizing we spent almost 24 hours together! :)

After dinner it was my brilliant idea to go to MJQ. Actually we went to Dark Horse beforehand and it sucked. Actually let me be clear - it sucked because it smelled like vomit and cigarettes and there were no hot men. I mean throw me some eye candy at least. Anyway, THEN we went to MJQ. We were both drunk. MJQ sucked too because a) my dude who usually get me and my friends in free wasn't manning the door and b) it was all kids. I mean we danced for awhile but i felt like an old lady. so this old lady left about an hour later. UGH.

would have worked out today since i didn't do ANYTHING but again, it hurts to get in any seated position. super. 

i am making white chicken chili tonight because i've had 3 cans of white beans in my cabinet. it actually looks good. smells great. i'm about to eat but i'll leave you with this...catherine keener & laura linney are overlooked actresses and they are BEAUTIFUL.

guilty

so we all know i'm an idiot right? but at least i'm an honest one.
i'd forgotten that i posted the web address of this little blog back when i used myspace as a blog.
so all my myspace friends have access. now i don't pretend to think all of them bookmarked it, but i'm sure some will randomly check in with me through this particular medium. which is fine. becuase this blog is my opportunity to express myself openly.

HOWEVER. i forgot that i'd posted this web address and have been speaking very candidly about my...hmm.... run-ins? with a particular person and this particular person has been reading my blog unbenownst to me.

i do not apologize for being honest. this is my blog afterall. i'm just sorry you had to read my thoughts in a forum where everyone else does and that i didn't tell you how i felt first.

anyway. thats all i have to say on that topic.

also i have PMS.

drunk blogging.

so what started out as a civilized evening turned into mayhem. well not really, but go with it. its a lot better of a story if you think of it like that.

so after doing not a whole lot at work today i went to get a pedicure and watch GG with Sasha. 

the pedicures at Passion Nails in Inman Park Village are amazing btw and CHEAP. oh yes and by the way i am drunk. but they were still amazing.

so afterwards we scoop L up and open up my cheap bottle of red at Sasha's. we watch GG which was okay (not the most awesome ep ever, but not too shabby either. chuck bass is going to win an emmy). we drink through the whole thing and by the time L's man friend comes over i am wasted. WASTED. in fact once i leave i call Lawless and refer to myself as Lola. at least i think i called lawless. thats what my call log says. you know what i think is hilarious? lawless' voicemail greeting is in spanish. i'm not sure why i think this is hilarious is just is.

i am baking chicken with dijon mustard, bacon bits and parmesan cheese on top. what? food network says it was good. 

i told you i was drunk.

so how was your xmas/nye?

you'll probably get this question from me and a million other people on monday. i already answered the christmas question, so i guess i should tell you about my NYE.

first i gotta say that this week was the slowest week ever at work. EVER.

seriously nothing to do and no one to work with. i don't understand why companies stay open the week between christmas and new years. most everyone has off. well except me and my coworkers. at least thats what it felt like.

so i left work at 3pm on NYE to go to the grocery store. i was going to make deviled eggs for mama C and papa R's NYE party. well I went home and took a nap and boiled the eggs but apparently i can't even boil eggs because when the time came to peel them and half them and devil them, they weren't as hard as you need them to be to do all of that. PISSED. i wasted a dozen eggs doing that. actually, i have the egg salad looking concoction in my fridge. i wonder if its edible. i'm about to find out. i'm starving. so needless to say, all i brought to C+R's was booze. 

i'm not sure whats come over me, but i have been attempting to look nice lately. i dressed up for their house party. it felt good. i commenced drinking and eating the traditional NYE ham (HA!) as soon as i got there. good times. i don't drink much anymore so after a couple of glasses of champagne, i almost passed out, but i started sipping water so i could at least make it to midnight. i did. but just barely. i ended up passing out in their office futon not much past midnight. i should also mention that i love mama C and papa R's parties because we always end up playing games. whether its apples-to-apples, trivial pursuit or bull + bear (a new one and i loved it!) - its such a good time. does this mean we are getting old. is this what old people do? because i don't give a shit. it is fun!

i spent new years day with Yones. he and i went to target to get him some allergy medicine (he is dogsitting but allergic to pet dander. um?), went to roasters to eat (ugh no delicious rolls or mac and cheese for me), and then to the tara to watch slumdog millionaire.

GO WATCH SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. it is a FANTASTIC movie. it has been nominated for best picture by the golden globes bitches and it DESERVES IT.

later on i hung out with Lawless. if you'll recall, i hung out a handful of times with Lawless earlier last year. It never worked out because he and I were too different. This is still true. He and I are polar opposites (and yes, mama C, he still doesn't have a car) but he is so smart and fun to talk to and making out with him is AMAZING.

seriously, towards the end of the night he made the move and we made out for about an hour straight. just kissing. none of that other business. it was AMAZING. as i was driving home from the ghetto (oh yeah, he lives in the ghetto), i thought about how far i could feasibly take this. and i decided not very. it is actually preventing me from hanging out with him again. i just don't see it going anywhere. i love making out with him, but i just can't see any long term possibility there. i know its not a race, but i figure if i don't see any potential now, why start? 

the first drama of 2009...