the greatest depression

i can already tell this is going to be a tough one to write. it may even be a tough one to understand. but try. and please don't pass judgement. i just need ears, not lip.

i have been suicidal a handful of times in my life. mostly during college. some the years after graduation. since you can't have suicidal tendencies without first being depressed, i know i must have been pretty depressed to get into that situation.

i am not suicidal now because i value my life and know its not mine to take but i will say that i've never been as depressed as i am now. never.

i don't eat, i can't sleep, i can't stay in control.
i wonder and i worry about things that are ENTIRELY out of my control to the point of panic.
heart racing. sweating. can't take it anymore.
i panic easily. my anxiety gets the better of me.
i want to cry all the time.
i have no motivation.
i can't concentrate.
i want to sleep all day.
i feel ugly. I feel alone.
i'm afraid i'll be ugly and alone for the rest of my life.
i feel like no one wants to be near me. so i don't go out.
i don't think i'll ever be attractive to anyone again.
i feel like i already gave everything i had to a couple of relationships, what more is there to give?
i hate that male attention can give me such highs and lows.
how much better of a person can i be? how much longer do i have to work at this? when is it going to be my time to shine?

i'm worried that when i see my psychiatrist tomorrow he's going to tell me i need to be institutionalized.

paging Dr. Suholet

i just made an appointment with my psychiatrist.

here we go again.

slacker mcslackerson

hey! i'm back.
i have been debbie downer lately.
i would like to blame it on the weather, but you know its never as simple as that.
i have been trying to rally myself out of it, but i have lost motivation to do the simplest of things. i am a disaster lately. i talked it out with J yesterday - i am getting better.

yesterday i cried my eyes out while i was sitting here "working". i want to say that is rare, but lately, it hasn't been.

i think i might need to go back to my psychiatrist. i'm thinking i need to go back to taking an anti-depressant. i hate that about myself. i really do. but i think it may be the only thing that makes me better.

anyway.